Trigger Warning
Mental health and surgery details
This time last year I was a mess .
I was lost in a deep black tarry sea of depression, despair , hopelessness and an overwhelming feeling of being a broken person.
The same quote used to rotate around in my head - “you are broken, and you are breaking everyone around you”
I couldn’t see any positive to me being here, i in my eyes was a terrible mother , I was deeply depressed and physically drained and I constant pain.
It’s Fibromyalgia they said, it’s chronic pain syndrome they said, its PTSD they said, it’s endometriosis they said, it’s POTS they said.
With each diagnosis I felt a mixture of emotions, relief that finally they believed me - this pain wasn’t all in my head, then despair when the weight of what chronic disease means came crashing down.
I honestly believed I was worthless and Amelia and Ian would’ve better off when I wasn’t around to drag them down - because that’s what the manipulative voices of depression and anxiety do - they make you believe with your whole self you are nothing. You are worthless, you make everyone miserable. You are ugly, fat and disgusting . You daughter doesn’t love you, your partner is embarrassed of you ,your family have had enough of you and your friends are only there out of pity.
One day we researched my operation and what went wrong that day , spoke to my therapist and gps and we discovered why the surgeon was so angry that I was left for so long . It wasn’t my consuming pain or electrical spasms or that I was paralysed down my right hand side , it was because if I had gone much longer I would of stopped breathing and suffocated.
There was only a 50% chance I would survive or come through with lifelong paralysis or brain damage.
In the following months this went around my head and as I relished in the luck I was still here , the gratefulness to the surgeons who saved me and the strength I found as my body recovered from not one but two lifesaving operations in 3 months. The first of course saving my daughters life and bringing her into the world alive and healthy.
Over time I became at peace with my diagnosis too. I’ve learnt techniques for dealing with the pain. I’ve taken control of my medication and settled into a routine with Amelia.
Each time I have a flair I loose myself a bit and the voices take back over - the broken stamp vivid on my head , the useless and waste of space sign nails into place as another nurse/doctor treats me like dirt because I’m chronic. The thoughts of not dragging anyone else down by being here creep forward.
The difference now is this:
I refuse to let those nasty horrible bullies in my head rule my life and my families life.
I refuse to let them being any more sorrow to myself or to my partner , to Amelia , to my family and friends.
I refuse to get lost again.
I am proud that I am still here!
I am amazed that my body has combatted a huge battering and allows me to stand strong on my own two feet.
I accept that some days my body is weaker and I need help, physical aids to get through the day.
I will not be a victim of my own mind and body anymore.
I will live not just survive , but I will be proud and grateful I have survived and I am going nowhere.
I will not let fibromyalgia, PTSD, chronic pain syndrome, endometriosis, or POTS make me feel like a worthless person.
I battle unbearable pain every single day but:
I am worthy I am Strong I am a Warrior
I am a Woman , A Mother and soon to be Wife and I will appreciate this second chance I was given.
Keep trying to tear me down depression , I will just come back Stronger.
I couldn’t be in this strong mental health state if it wasn’t for talking and support.
Thankyou everyone who believed in me when I could myself.
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