I watched Collateral Beauty the other night and was instantly moved.
At best I'm an emotional wreck when watching most films anyway , awkwardly trying to hide my tears so Ian doesn't take the piss, unless I'm watching UP, then I let the tears flow I'm not ashamed , UP is the saddest film ever (well for the first half hour it is anyway) am I right? Ian would argue the saddest film is Marley and Me, it gets to him every time.
So here I was watching one of the most moving films I have seen to date, being forced to tap into my own emotions fears and grief and reflect on them in a completely new light.
The film itself depicts Grief in its rawest form, every parents worst nightmare, the loss of a child. Will Smith plays Howard a successful advertising exec who sinks into deep depression after his daughter passes away, he completely looses himself and his work colleagues/friends have to find a way to bring him back. (for the good of the company but also I like to think out of love for their friend)
They hire a private investigator to follow him and discover he writes letters to Time, Love and Death. The letters are of course in his Grief , full of anger towards these three aspects of life. His 'friends' hire actors to depict these as people and ultimately face up to his feelings. Ultimately the whole point of the film is to see the Collateral Beauty, for me this is seeing grief, hurt, or any negativity with its parallel, love.
There are of course awful dreadful things which happen in this world with no meaning or need with no beauty or love attached however, humanity and acts of kindness that follow tragedy are not too be forgotten.
Here I am crying my eyes out at this inspiring, beautiful film thinking about the contrast of grief and depression against love and beauty and I naturally started to reflect on my own experiences. The theme being a loss of a child forced its way into my biggest anxiety, the loss of Amelia.
I remember being pregnant and really struggling to see past the consuming terrifying fear that I would loose her, to the point where I could honestly only see her passing away, I couldn't picture the miracle, joy or happiness of her arriving into the world a healthy beautiful baby girl, who in reference to a quote in the film, we in turn became love. We are her love, we show her love constantly, she came from love, and she is love to us.
The problem with love however is fear - fear that something dreadful will happen or she will be taken away from us , hurt, sick or even pass away.
Death I believe is feared because we love so deeply. This film made me feel so lucky to love and be love but that the thought of loss is unbearable. My grief that i'm reflecting on isn't for a loved one that has passed away, its for time. Time stolen, time lost, precious moments we will never , ever get back. I'm trying now to see these pockets of time in a different light, to try and draw out the Collateral Beauty.
Ill start at the piece of time lost which is most raw, the moment of being conscious for the birth of my child. Bringing Amelia into the world is what my body is designed for, built for and I remember being so focused on that moment being my defining moment as a woman, however my body failed me, I failed to give birth to my own child,to have that precious moment etched into my mind forever, that moment we see when birth is shown in the media, the moment that beautiful baby that you have waited so long to meet , is born by you into the world, and then passed on your chest for that precious first time.
I will never ever get that back, however she would not be here if Amelia's arrival hadn't been through an operation,and you must remember I kept telling myself , so many mothers don't get to meet their babies at all, some are born sleeping, some cant even get pregnant, I need to stop being selfish, I should be thankful. And I am. I am so unbelievably grateful to the team of doctors, midwives, consultants who bought our little girl into the world alive.
When they knocked me out after my spinal failed for the emergency c section (Amelia's heart rate was dangerously low) they quickly tore her out of my womb, blue and floppy with an APGAR score of 2. Any longer and she wouldn't be here with us today,cuddled up with Daddy watching the bed time hour of Cbeebies. I am again thankful they put me to sleep, not only because they saved her life but because selfishly i'm not quite sure how I would of coped or continue to cope with the sight of my baby lifeless.
Drawing on the Collateral Beauty of our not so ideal birth experience, my first memory is still one I treasure deeply. The memory is blind, and therefore intense, and a memory I can play back in my mind perfectly. As I came round I couldn't see, I imagine an after effect of the anaesthetic, the plus side to this however is the focus on all of my other senses. I will never forget hearing the words spill emotionally from Ian, his voice breaking with joy as he gave me Amelia, "Hayley, Hayley its Amelia - here look!" as he placed her in my arms and onto my chest, I remember the soft warm touch on my skin as we hard our first skin to skin as mother and daughter, I remember the dry metallic taste in my mouth as I said my first words to her "Hello Beautiful Girl!", I remember that newborn smell that any other mother will tell you is the most incredible smell in the world.
I remember the relief that she was here, I remember thinking it cant be real as this moment was one I never thought would come true.
I remember the love, for both Amelia and Ian and in a moment our whole perception and meaning of Love changed forever.
You see I grieved for a long time on what I lost from Amelia birth , I felt guilty for feeling like this too, how dare I. It took a long time and support from others to stop being so hard on myself and stop feeling guilty. However as time past I came to terms with it all and started focusing on something else instead, which until watching this film I didn't realise I was doing, in seeing the Collateral Beauty or just simple drawing on the positives, I allowed myself to heal, and forgive myself.
So as I continue to maintain this level of positive mental health I have found myself in, after being discharged from adult mental health support and having to say goodbye to my wonderful therapist , go solo as it were- I'm going to try and continue to learn from it all, allow myself the grief of time lost in these last few years due to my illness - because it demands to be felt, but also to see the Collateral Beauty in it all.
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