This is shared from our facebook page, from when I decided to start again.
Hello everyone!!
It’s been a while hasn’t it ! I know I’ve been absent but I’m so glad that now and again I get little notifications that people have viewed this page and in time those notifications made me realise I miss this!
I haven’t posted properly on here in a very very long time. Infact I believe it was back in May when I posted my last blog post.
Last month a school friend of mine unfairly lost her battle with stage 4 cancer, Emily was the most inspiring and happy human all the way from way back when we first met at preschool to now when she is wearing angel wings. Whenever I read her posts they were uplifting and encouraging and now going through her humbling bucket list and seeing that she wanted to write her C-urve ball blog which her sister is carrying on I’m still inspired by a beautiful young woman.
So here I am writing to you now when I’m meant to be getting an early night, I’ll try and explain briefly why things went quiet.
If I’m completely honest after a lovely family holiday in May soaking up the sun In beautiful quaint Cornwall I came back home with a bump and all those demons took back over and lost myself a little bit this summer. I deleted the Positive Baking Company Blog and stopped baking.
The good thing however I discovered that when you loose yourself you get to find a new you again. I started therapy with the most incredible wee little Scottish lady who doesn’t take any nonsense but has the kindness and the listening ability that makes you trust her, she, family, friends and of course Ian and Amelia have been the ones who helped me recover properly and really deal with things mentally rather than sweep them back under the rug. So I shut off and reboot myself, I didn’t post on here because I couldn’t find the words, and when I found them they didn’t make sense.
As I’ve rebuilt myself mentally it seems i also rebuilt myself physically and Ive gained just a few , ok a lot of pounds. All the weight I lost wrapped up in my eating disorder last year I’ve piled back on which is okay. Mentally it’s okay. For the first time in my life i have accepted what I look like, that I will always have that little bit extra weight because I enjoy food and I’m rubbish at exercising! I’ve discovered that the size of my skinny jeans Only matter when I buy them too small because I’m stubborn or in denial or both. I’ve discovered that nothing makes Amelia happier than laughing at mummy’s squishy belly and listening to me as I tell her that’s my happy squidge and that’s where I grew her . A phenomenon I still find incredibly hard to believe - I grew her and she is here and she’s healthy and happy and intelligent and just amazing and woah Ian we are parents! !! Aren’t we lucky ! I’ve also discovered that as parents we do the best job we know how to do, and sometimes it doesn’t go amiss to praise each other for actually being an amazing daddy/mummy. I’ve discovered that sitting back and trying to see the world through toddlers eyes opens your heart to the most magnificent wonders and amusements. I’ve discovered that trying to please others all the time is miserable and a waste of time - pick your battles. I’ve discovered that yes fibromyalgia is a pain (literally!) but it is manageable and undoubtably it could be horribly worse. Amongst all this and through the trials and tribulations this year has thrown at us, I have also discovered something else I have discovered me, which feels quite frankly just lovely! So a few months ago after realising that I hadn’t done any baking in a long time I got the spatula back out again, had a little trip to hobby craft and re- found my love of baking , because I lost sight of why I started in the first place. Baking became a therapy for me , not only did the process of teaching myself a new skill and producing something from scratch give me a sense of achievement but also the act of giving and seeing joy that homemade cake brings to people gave me a little bit of Confidence when I had none. So picking up the spatula once more I reignited my passion and I’ve started baking twice a week with Amelia, now that she is a little bit older it’s a mother daughter ‘thing’ we share , even if she just pops the cake cases in the tin , gives the mix a stir or steals a perfectly formed fondant snowman that I’ve just made and cheekily gobbles him up - it’s a heartwarming fun experience that we can do as she grows up - when I’m sure she will become a better baker than me. I must admit Part of me when I get sad that Amelia is growing up to quick looks forward to the day when nothing else will do but a cake making session with mum, I hope when she’s older and all seems wrong in the world she can find some calm and comfort in mums kitchen when I’m sure she will still be stealing the icing from the bowl! For now though I’m enjoying these sweet moments in a time when not all is going as planned. This year might not have gone quite as planned and I may have gone quiet while I focused on my family and rebuilding myself but I have ultimately found comfort back in the midst of sparkling icing sugar and vanilla sponge.
So hello again and thankyou for staying with me
This ones for you Em
Xx
